Here I go again. Starting something that I’m not sure I can finish. Over the past 5 months I’ve started lots of blogs. Some went further than others but none of them ever made it to you. It’s not that I didn’t want to write, I just couldn’t.... not after Sunday, August the 12th.
Receiving the call that my brother was in the hospital and not expected to survive was beyond heart wrenching. A rush of emotions swept violently over every single part of my being. As the gravity of what was happening slowly sunk in, my human body was unable to comprehend the depth of my agony and I began to shake involuntarily. I sat trembling and broken. This couldn’t be happening. The prognosis was grim and I was panicking. Not now. Not my brother.
As I looked back on my life, some of the most significant and life-changing moments included my brother, Darin. When I was 4, it was Darin who helped me conquer my fear of jumping off the diving board. When I was in elementary school, watching my older brother perform in his high school play, birthed a love for drama that stays with me even now. When I was in middle school, reading his incredible poetry gave me the courage to pour my own thoughts onto paper. When I was in high school, listening to my brother’s advice about boys and dating saved me from unimaginable heartache. Thanks to him, I didn’t fall for the one liners, I wasn’t wooed by the “players”, and I couldn’t be manipulated by the manipulators. All of my brothers taught me to respect myself and to carry myself with confidence. They told me how attractive it was to have good posture and how unattractive it was to say bad words. (Many of these lessons were not taught by example, but rather the ‘do as I say, not as I do’ approach, but hey... it worked!)
After high school it was my brothers who gave their lives back to God and challenged me to do the same. They encouraged me to attend Master’s Commission and pursue the ministry. A few years later when I had broken up with my boyfriend Todd, determined never to take him back, it was Darin that cautioned me to keep my heart open. “You’ll probably end up marrying him”, he said. After I got engaged, it was Darin who catered my bridal showers and eventually my wedding. A few months after my wedding, it was Darin who decided it was important for me to have a relationship with the birth father I never knew. He organized the reunion between us and was instrumental in the relationship that developed between a father and a daughter. 6 months later when our father suddenly passed away, I realized what a beautiful gift I had been given.
I could literally go on and on. Darin and I were in Master’s Commission together, we got married within a few months of each other, we had our babies at the same time, we bought houses on the same street and we used to minister and travel together. When I look in the mirror, I see him.... with hair. In many ways we are the same. I can’t look back at my life without snapshots of Darin popping up around every corner. I can’t imagine where I would be without him. The funny stories, his funny faces, the way he could make me laugh until I cried.... all gifts. I can’t count the amount of times over the years that I have burst out laughing at the most inappropriate times because some little something sparked into my memory a funny thing that Darin did or said years before.
So you see why I couldn’t write? For the past 5 months my family has been on a horrible roller coaster ride. We have been living in a nightmare, never knowing what each day would bring. Watching someone you love teeter on the edge of death is exhausting and horrifying. Even when you are experiencing a high you hesitate to rejoice in it because history has shown that a low is just over the hill. The doctors and the nurses didn’t expect him to survive. Everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong. Multiple organ failure, blood clots, fluid in both lungs, MRSA, C-Diff, his pancreas disappeared for crying out loud! There were days that I didn’t think my brother would live, days that I thought about his funeral, days that I had given up hope..... but God. The Author of life wasn’t finished with this particular story. There is absolutely no doubt about it, Darin is a miracle. A few weeks ago, Darin’s pancreas doctor reconfirmed that there is no pancreas inside of his body but for some reason he is not requiring insulin. This specialist in his field just shook his head and said, “I have no explanation. It makes no sense.” It’s a miracle. I know it, you know it, Darin knows it.
In a few weeks, I’ll get to see my brother. I’ll get to put my arms around him and hold his hands. I’ll get to tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me. We’ll probably cry and we’ll definitely laugh. He’s alive and I’m thankful. I’m not finished with my brother just yet.
