I did have to force myself to cut back though. I found myself behaving differently. Not like a mom or a pastor's wife... more like a detective or a CSI agent. I was suddenly suspicious of everyone. If the guy who was bagging my groceries asked if I needed help to my car, I was sure he was planning on throwing me in the trunk and kidnapping me. If I heard a loud noise outside late at night, I would take a mental note of the date and time, just in case a crime had taken place and the police needed me to testify. I think I would have made a really good witness but fortunately no crime was ever committed. It was all in my mind. It eventually became too much, and I had to stop myself. The first thing to go? Dateline and 48 Hours. It wasn't easy, but it was the right thing to do.... for everyone else's sake.
The one type of show that I was never tempted to watch was Dateline or 48 Hours 'Unsolved Mysteries'. I learned the hard way. I invested an entire hour or maybe even two into a case that no one ever figured out. When it was over I would find myself screaming at the TV,
"That's it? It's over? Who did it? WHO DID IT????!!!!"
I hate unfinished business.... half told stories.... sad endings or worse.... no endings at all. That's why I almost didn't write this blog. I've been thinking about writing it for weeks but I was waiting for my ending. Well guess what... I'm still waiting.
Have you ever asked God for something... believing that He was able to do it... and that He would want to do it... but then He didn't do it? Have you ever gotten your hopes up so many times only to have them dashed over and over again? If you answered yes to those two questions, then you probably also know what it's like to be on an emotional roller coaster ride that never seems to end. The highs and the lows that leave you feeling sick. I know. I've been there. In fact, I think I accidentally bought a season pass.
Allowing your circumstances to dictate your emotions is an easy rut to fall into but it's no way to live. 1 Peter 5:7 tells us to cast all of our anxiety on Him because He cares for us. So how come that's so much easier said than done? In my case it should have said, "Cast and re-cast all of your anxiety on Him over and over and over again because He cares for us." Just when I think I've finally given my situation over to God and cast those cares away, something happens and those "cares" are right back with me again and the anxiety leaps right back into the pit of my tummy. Another roller coaster ride that I didn't want to get on.
Here's what I'm finding.... Because the disappointment of the "low's" is often so devastating and discouraging, I try to avoid them like the plague. In my mind I think that the only way to protect myself from the "low's" is to avoid the "high's". It makes sense right? Don't they say, "What goes up.... must come down"? I have caught myself, on more than one occasion, saying things like, "I don't want to get my hopes up." Have you ever said that? It's a defense mechanism. If you get your hopes up, then you might get disappointed... so just stop hoping.
The problem is faith and hope are intertwined. So if you stop hoping, you also stop believing. If you lose your hope, you lose your faith. According to Hebrews 11 Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen. So the challenge is to keep hope alive. Don't allow your circumstances to control you. Keep on believing 'that thing' is going to happen. If it doesn't happen when or how you hoped it would, it doesn't mean it's not going to happen at all. If you get your hopes up for the millionth time and things don't work out? Just start looking forward to the million and oneth (totally not a real word but you get the point).
I told you I didn't have my ending yet. I didn't want to write about the ups and downs without being able to encourage you with the end result but then I realized.... you might be encouraged just to know you're not alone. There's someone else out there on the same journey as you. Trying to keep the faith. Trying not to let their circumstances control them. Trying not to give up. Someone who hasn't arrived yet but who will continue hoping... against all hope. Knowing that eventually her case will be solved and yours will too.
